The streets we walk on

I wish I could explain what it feels like to walk these streets. What it feels like to know that there are thousands of years of history. Not just any history. My history.

I was at the Western Wall last night, on Tisha B'Av. It is the saddest day on our calendar and we mourn the destruction of our two Temples. The destruction that occurred was not just material. Jews in Jerusalem starved to death, were brutally murdered and everything destroyed. (It's custom to read all about it and it is definitely not pleasant reading) They were sent into exile, never to come back to Israel until the founding of the state of Israel in 1948.

Did I really ever think I would be sitting on the ground, staring at a wall, singing, and feeling sad that the Beit Hamikdash was no longer there? No. But something changed 7 months ago. I became Jewish and all of a sudden, Jewish history - even going back thousands of years - became mine.

I travelled on Friday morning to Kever Rachel. The grave of our matriarch Rachel. She cried for the Jewish people. She was buried outside of Jerusalem, so she would bring comfort to Jews on their journey. I could feel those tears and felt that my words were heard.

I don't want to leave Israel. I feel connected to this land. It stirs your soul and it feels like home. I walk these streets and I am surrounded by a people that I now call my own. There are no words that can encapsulate this feeling. It just feels right. And peaceful. And connected. Studying and learning, I am like a fish in water.

My flight is less than 24 hours away. I pray and pray that I will be back soon. I couldn't have imagined how hard it is to leave. I have to, but my heart yearns to stay. I trust in Hashem that I will find a way. But now it's time to bring everything that I've learnt and bring it back. 

May we be blessed to always stay connected to what matters most.

Singing

Kotel at midnight

Men singing too

Not Being Afraid To Try

It's been a good week! We went to Caesarea and Zichron Yaakov as a day trip. It was eye opening to see a side of Israel that isn't at the top of the list of most important places to see in Israel. It was also a place that had much more Roman and Greek influences than Jewish. What's so incredible though is realizing that wherever you go, you are looking at thousands of years of history. Thousands of years! The stones and structures have been there before we even had countries in the way we have now. Before America was even on the radar. It really is extraordinary to be able to witness history and learn from it.

We had two amazing farbrengens where we sang and talked into the night (I also happen to be more tired this week than any other). The girls here are so inspiring. I feel like I've made so many friends from so many countries and walks of life. As the days go by, I'm overcome with the realization that I really don't want to leave, both for the people, the learning, and the land. 

Israel and seminary has profoundly changed the person that I am. It's a time for personal growth that is so unique in its nature. Everything you learn can change the way you see the world. It can take all that you thought was true and turn it upside down (is a rock really a rock?) or inspire you by deepening how you understand the world and how Gd runs it. 

That said, I think the most profound shift in attitude is the lesson that the journey is not just a means to any particular end. The path that you follow, with the twists and turns, is what actually matters. Not so much where you end up (though evidently it does still matter, just in a different way).

I think we often have challenges in life that seem impossible, but when we take that first step, we realize that they are only as hard as we make them out to be. I've learnt at Mayanot that you should never be afraid to try. One of the most difficult but rewarding classes is our Chassidus class. We learn directly from one of the previous Rebbe's maamers (specifically Heichaltzu). What does that mean? It means that we're looking at a deep and philosophical text that provides life lessons, but takes a long time to get there. The class is always split into two (time to struggle with the text and time to bring it all together).

And the struggle is real. You're looking at tiny little Hebrew letters, no nekudot (vowels), abbreviations abound, and trying to make sense of a text that is already complicated enough. It's also important to note that these struggles are just as real with big letters, nekudot, and no abbreviations. 

So, what do you do? You leave your ego at the door.

You make the conscious decision to do your best even if that means that you will barely get through one sentence, look up every single word, and be ok with the idea that at the end of the day, you may still not understand. We predispose ourselves to think that if we are inevitably going to fail or not understand, why try at all? If you know that the end result will be not be what you want, does that mean you shouldn't try? The reality is that no matter what you've gotten from what you've learnt, it's not a failure. The process itself is what matters. And that's how you learn.

That doesn't mean that it can't be frustrating, but attitude is everything. And when you do 'get it', it's so much more meaningful because of the hard work you invested in it. 

So, my blessing to all of us is that we all be able to have the courage to tackle our challenges and to try, even if the result isn't always satisfying or tied up with a pretty bow.

Shabbat Shalom!

Glossary

Chassidus: Chassidus (in my eyes) is a way of looking at the Torah and its inner dimension. It looks at the soul and provides a guide as to how to live your life in a way that is focused on joy and unity with Gd. There's probably a better definition somewhere than mine, but that's how I understand it.  

Maamer: Chassidic/spiritual discourse given over by a Rebbe (spiritual leader). This might help: http://www.chabad.org/library/article_cdo/aid/2905524/jewish/What-Is-a-Maamar.htm

Ramat Hanadiv Park (run by the Rothschild Foundation)

Caesarea

The ocean + Mayanot 5776

An ancient Roman theatre

Panorama of Caesarea

What I do every day!

Shavua tov! Hopefully, you won't mind that I'm a little neglectful of this blog and this will make up a little for it. It's been a crazy week, but I'm hoping to keep this up a little more. Maybe days 2 and 3 in Tsfat will make it up there.

Last week started with a fast, which is not so fun, just requires lots of sleep and not moving around too much, especially in this heat. That said, it is a great reminder of the blessings we do have. When you can't eat or drink, you remember that there were times (and there are still people today) when there was no food or water. We are blessed to have most of our needs provided for and on these fast days, we realize how lucky we truly are.

What does a day look like? I realize that most people actually have no idea what I do every day. Hopefully this won't be too boring and will help understand what on earth I'm spending these few weeks doing.

So, here goes:
We have an optional morning Chassidus class at 7:45am. It's a great class when I wake up for it, but I usually sleep through. We look into chassidic concepts that look into the depths of our soul and how we look at the world. Whether it's looking at how to find joy in darkness or what's inside of our soul, it's a wonderful way to start the day.

Between 8:30-9:30am, we have both davening time and breakfast. There are little groups where you can daven together or you can just do it on your end. Again, totally dependent on what you wake up! Breakfast is cereal or crackers with cheese. And most importantly: coffee!

9:30am starts the learning. Here it really depends on the day. Mondays for example start with Chumash class which looks into the actual Torah and the commentary associated with it. It's then followed by a class on different Talmudic concepts. Other days have other classes, such as looking at the prophets (e.g. Isaiah, Solomon) or looking at how halacha is derived from the Torah. We also have Hebrew class twice a week. Classes are usually divided into two parts.

Part 1 is Chavrusa time. We spend about 45min-1hour with a partner or 2 looking at the actual Hebrew text. For example, with Chumash class, we'll spend about half of that time looking at the Hebrew for 3-4 sentences (literally) in the actual Torah.

It means a lot of Google Translate from Hebrew to English, especially when 95% of the words are ones you don't know. We sometimes refer back to the English to check our translation, but most is in Hebrew. Then, we get into Rashi commentary. The real challenge with Rashi is that when they codified his writings, they invented a whole new script for it. So it's Hebrew without vowels (which is already hard enough) with the added challenge that your normal letters look completely different. When you do get the hang of it, it can be truly fascinating. Every single letter and word is in the Torah for a purpose. Rashi helps bring this to light.

Once all this is done, comes part 2. We re-focus our attention to our teacher and it becomes more lecture-style. We learn about what we just learnt and usually get some incredible insights. There's something very special with learning in this way. Once you've challenged yourself and spend an hour wondering what something means, it's amazing to get that clarity after you're done.

Every day, we have two classes like this so from 9:30-11:30 and another from 11:30-1:30. 1:30pm is lunch and always very welcomed! It's easy to get hungry when your brain is working so hard. Unless it's Tuesday (which is a free afternoon), we have afternoon class from 2:30-4:00pm. My favourite is our class on Jewish philosophy. The teacher's purpose is usually to leave us unsettled and doubting everything we thought we knew -- whether it's wondering how a rock knows it exists to understanding the depths of our relationship with Gd through Noah, Avraham, and Moses. After the afternoon class, we finally have a break! We finally have time to go wander around, learn some more, or do anything else we like. Dinner is served around 6:30pm.

Finally, we have an evening class every night from 7:30-9pm. We can have guest speakers or other more topic-related teachers. We've had classes on dream interpretation, the mysticism of headcovering, the politics of Israel, the different worlds in which Gd exists through the metaphor of water bottles, and many others. Once evening class is over, you're free! Well, really, most people keep learning or we occasionally have 'journal chevras' (where we basically chill and journal about our day). We also have farbrengens where we stay up very late, sing, and talk about life.

That's basically it! There's lots more to say, but time to sleep to prepare for tomorrow. Day trip to Caesarea!

Glossary
Davening: Prayer
Halacha: Jewish law
Chumash: The 5 books of Moses aka the Old Testament
Chavrusa: Study with a partner
Rashi: A famous commentator on the Torah
Chevra: Group (though more close than a plain group)
Farbrengen: Kind of hard to explain so see this article

Our seminary bunny!

Seminary friends!

Day 1 in Tsfat

I'm realizing now that lack of wifi is not a problem for learning or journaling (and yes, we have journaling parties at seminary), but it is for updating a blog. The past few days have been intense, but a great experience in realizing both my physical and spiritual limitations.

Starting off -- I have a new appreciation for onions.

On a bus at 7:30am, we were off to a farm to go pick onions. The organization we were picking onions with helps give food to the poor - by running their own farms, picking the leftover fruits and veggies from existing farms, and working with other organizations and restaurants to get their leftover food.

Interestingly, I always imagined onions to grow in the ground, but in fact, they're not really. They live above ground and are relatively easy to pick, unless they're stuck under a thorny bush. It was a very meaningful experience as you got the real feeling that every extra onion you picked would go to someone who needed it.

After the onions, we went on a hike to Mount Arbel. I thought that it would be challenging, but I did not expect to hold onto little metal ropes and have my friends tell me where to put my feet. I guess it was what you could call a trust building exercise. It was definitely terrifying, but the views were amazing and it was a real accomplishment to get through it. I had a well deserved ice cream at the bottom.

Next on the list was the kever of Rabbi Akiva. I find it difficult to connect to the graves of our tzaddikim. They're very holy places and have great meaning, but it's hard for me to get the 'divine inspiration' that others encounter. Maybe that's a normal thing, but I do wonder about it.

We finally visited a synagogue that was being built stone by stone based on a computer algorithm. It was destroyed many years ago, but all the original stones were kept. Thanks to that, they've been able to computerize what the synagogue used to look like.

Unlike every other day, this day was the most physically demanding a long time. I wish I could truly capture that moment of holding onto a rope and looking down.  Similar to life, there was no other option than to go forward. It was scary and terrifying and I probably wouldn't go through the experience again, but it pushed me past anything that I thought that I could do. It made me challenge myself and for that I'm thankful.

Stay tuned for more.

Group after onion picking

Selfie before the hike

The scary wall (doesn't look quite so bad here)

The view

Numbered stones so they can build it back together

The old Torah ark from the in construction shul

25 years old!

25 years old!

It's been a lovely day. I discovered the Israeli shuk for the first time. Included in this is the best bakery ever -- named Marzipan, though the bakery itself doesn't really have Marzipan. I ate them too fast, so unfortunately there's no pictures of my yummy rugelach. I also discovered how delicious fresh lemonade is and how a real shuk beats any other place for fresh food and produce. 

Into more philosophical thoughts... 

When I was younger (aka a teenager or elementary school kid), I saw 25 as this mythical age where everything in my life would be exactly where I wanted it to be. I'd have a good job (✓) that I love (✓) and would have great friends (✓) and an awesome apartment (✓). I'd also be happy (✓) and maybe have a spiritual connection with something greater than me (✓). Maybe I'd also be married and have kids, but I still have time for that. And, while I feel like I have so much more to do and so much more to learn, I am happy with where I am today.

I think the best thing that I've learnt over the years is to be grateful (the religious me has to add: to G-d) for what I have and to learn to see that everything is good in its own way (or for the good, but that's a whole other discussion). When I wake up in the morning, I am thankful to be alive. When I go to sleep, I am thankful that I lived another day. No matter what the day was like, I always try to see something good. And sometimes, it's hard to do and I fail. But I always try. And that has been an incredible shift in how I see the world.

A very small example of this is my phone. I came to Israel with my original phone + a phone that I was hoping to get unlocked and add an Israeli sim card to. It didn't seem like a hard task at the time, but it turned out to be a true nightmare. I bought a sim card + pre-paid plan at a phone store (that I conveniently never found again). Once they realized (after they had processed my payment) that my phone was locked, they looked at me with a typical Israeli expression on their faces and sent me to some location where they could either unlock or sell me a new phone. Obviously, there was no 'money back guarantee' on this. The story goes on to an adventure to go unlock the phone, long calls with my carrier back home, and finally just adding a travel pass after a week and a bit without a phone. So. Why this long winded story on a phone? I think until recently, I would have seen this as an (a) frustrating and (b) discouraging experience. And it partially was. But there was a greater part of me that didn't know why and couldn't explain it that trusted that somehow there was a greater plan to this and that no matter what, it would be for the good. Now, I don't think I ever found a reason for it, but I do know that at the end of the day, it really didn't matter. I was able to be more focused on my studies, get to know the girls around me, and I ended up not really needing anything. I would have gotten to the same result if I was worked up about all of this. But it didn't accomplish anything. Somehow, by trusting that there was something more, I was able to deal with the situation in peace and with a smile on my face. It didn't stress me out and I was able to deal perfectly well without it.

All that to say it's been an incredible year. I helped win an election and elect someone that I truly believe in to run the country. I finally converted to Judaism and become the person that I was meant to be. And I'm celebrating my birthday in the most holy place on earth, Israel, while spending my days making incredible friends and learning from the holy texts of the Torah and all the incredible breadth of knowledge that came with it. 

In the end, I learnt to be myself. And that is the best gift I could ever receive.

Some pictures:

Me and Vivian at the Kotel

The Shuk

The Shuk 

I don't even know where to start

I don't know where to start, so I'll start at this moment (a few dozen minutes before Shabbat starts). Jerusalem is different on a Friday. There's a sense of urgency on the streets, shops closing up, and a general sense of excitement as Shabbat is set to come in. There's no last-minute feeling like the minutes before Shabbat and you feel it in the air. 

I can hardly believe I've been in Israel since Monday. Since then, I've learnt to overcome the fear of staring at a text in Hebrew and actually analyze and learn from it (while looking up every single word). I've also learnt that in one sentence, you can discover 2 hours worth (and more) of wisdom. And I learnt to write Hebrew script! (Basically cursive but Hebrew)

In just a week, with many to go, I already feel changed. 

This is definitely not your typical vacation. Up early and in classrooms all day. A three hour break followed by another class. But it works. And it's still a vacation. It's a vacation from material things, an opportunity to connect with my faith and everything that it is. It's a spiritual and all-encompassing experience, I can barely find the words to describe what it feels like.

A thought on Shabbat from what I learned in Chumash class: It says that G-d completed the world in 7 days and that he also rested. How can G-d both rest from creation and complete something on the same day? Rashi says that G-d, being beyond time and space, could complete his work until the very very last second, a hairsbreadth before Shabbat. There are other explanations but this one is particularly meaningful because it teaches us how precious time is and that we should take advantage of every single second that we have.

Glossary

Shabbat: From sundown on Friday to sunset + 1 hour on Saturday, it's the Jewish day of rest. I don't touch my phone or turn on the computer. And there's lots of other fun laws like no writing, no turning on or off lights and no cooking.

Chumash: The 5 Books of Moses, so basically the Old Testament.

Rashi: A famous commentator on the Torah.

Hashem: Another word for G-d.

Why do I never include the "o" when spelling out G-d?: Although it is not the Hebrew name of G-d, the name still is holy and therefore don't spell it out in full (we do the same in Hebrew)

And a few pictures